[Stan Thomas]

There was an attempted robbery in our supermarket yesterday when someone tried to grab cash from the till - but the cashier hit him with the labeling gun, and he ran off.

Now the police are looking for a man with a price on his head.

[ReubenVP]

Apple have announced that although sales are down, their turnover is still very good.

[Stan Thomas]

Wolverhampton Council are advertising for bin men.

No experience necessary - you pick it up as you go along.

[ReubenVP]

You know what makes me throw up?


A dartboard on the ceiling.

[RoverRevival]

we all hitting the one liners now, ok

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.

[Johnny 216GSi]

Financial experts have advised against investing in property in Cairo.

One expert said "You can clearly see it's a pyramid selling scheme."

[Stan Thomas]

I went on the O.A.P's outing yesterday to that place in Wales with a very long name.

When we stopped for lunch I asked the waitress where we were, and to say it slowly in syllables so that I could try to remember it. So she leaned over the table and said, "Ber-ger-king". (and you thought I was going to say - Llanfiarpwllgwyngyllgoerychwyrndrobwlllysiliogogoch)!

I then looked at the menu and said "What is Chicken Ding", and she said "We do it in a microwave". So I looked again and said "Can I have Um Fan Ting instead"?, and she replied, "No, that's the company who prints the menus".

Stan.

[ReubenVP]

The CEO of IKEA has just been elected Prime Minister in Sweden.


They should have their cabinet assembled by the end of the week.

[Johnny 216GSi]

Did you know that Norway has painted giant barcodes on their naval fleet?

It's so that when they arrive back in port, they can scan-da-navy-in.

[ReubenVP]

What do you call a superhero with a bad sense or direction?


Wander Woman.